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Tough Skin

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Tough Skin - "Work would be great if it wasn’t for the people."  "Family time is a wonderful support in times of crisis, but seasons of family drama-- no thank you!"  Some advise, “Don’t be so sensitive, you've got to have tough skin.” The “tough skin” approach may seem like good advice, but it can have dangerous consequences.


In Carey Nieuwhof’s podcast 488, Miller says, “the problem with thick skin is that nothing gets in, but nothing gets out.”  These thoughts stem from the work of Viola Davis in Brene Brown’s book Braving the Wilderness:  “They tell you to develop a thick skin so things don’t GET TO YOU. What they don’t tell you is that your thick skin will keep everything from GETTING OUT, too.  Love, intimacy, vulnerability.  I don’t want that. THICK SKIN DOESN’T WORK ANYMORE. I WANT TO BE TRANSPARENT AND TRANSLUCENT.”  Let’s compare two approaches:


Disadvantages of Tough Skin.  We’ve all tried to manage conflict by just “toughing it out”, manufacturing the grit until the storm passess.  As shared above, nothing gets to you, but nothing gets out.  This approach has poses some key disadvantages:

  1. Avoidance of dealing with real life problems

  2. Inability to truly process our emotions

  3. Instability of a solid-looking exterior, yet a crumbling interior


Advantages of Transparency.  Translucency and transparency are the preferred alternative approach.  Leaders often struggle with having key relationships that give opportunity for connection  and honesty.  When given the space to open up about the struggles within, leaders often realize the freedom that comes from sharing what’s really going on under the tough exterior.  This transparent approach provides some powerful advantages:

  1. Open space to dealing with problems that often get stuffed below the surface

  2. Freedom to explore our emotions

  3. Inner-strength to move forward amidst adversity


The coaching takeaway to this approach is this: a coaching conversation is a great space to become transparent.   It is a safe and confidential space to vent, explore, and strategize based on what’s truly going on under the skin.  If you’d like to explore more on how coaching can impact your life and leadership, let’s connect over a free Curiosity Call.

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